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Saturday, April 30, 2011
Adulterous wife
One punishment for an adulterous wife in medieval France was to make her chase a chicken through town naked.
Church bulletin bloopers
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers that were posted. Goes well with the funny church signs we posted earlier. Those were on purpose, were these?
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
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Friday, April 29, 2011
Maintaing
Maintaining A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With T he Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital An d Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards Th e Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To Th e Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With T he Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital An d Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards Th e Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To Th e Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.
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Thursday, April 28, 2011
Lone ranger & Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo."
"Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning."
"Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo. It mean someone stole the tent.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo."
"Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning."
"Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo. It mean someone stole the tent.
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Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Women with 10 kids
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What Are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.
"They're All named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I Just call 'David,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But What if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, That's easy," she said. "I Just use their last name.
"Ten," she replied.
"What Are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.
"They're All named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I Just call 'David,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But What if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, That's easy," she said. "I Just use their last name.
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Monday, April 25, 2011
Three Blondes
Three blonde women were stranded on an island. While trying to dig their way out, one of them came accross a buried lamp. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish, in return for saving him.
The first blonde woman asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The second blonde woman asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. She is instantly turned into a black haired woman. She then builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The genie turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
The first blonde woman asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The second blonde woman asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. She is instantly turned into a black haired woman. She then builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The genie turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
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Sunday, April 24, 2011
A biker
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that.
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that.
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Saturday, April 23, 2011
You know your a redneck pt 1
You really know your'e a redneck when...
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
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Friday, April 22, 2011
Cinderella
Cinderella is now nearly 70 years old. After having a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair watching the world go by from her front porch with a cat called Gizmo for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replies "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. "I Wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to Gizmo, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. "I Wish for you to transform my old cat, Gizmo, into a beautiful and handsome young man." Magically, Gizmo suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother said "Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few moments, Gizmo and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Gizmo walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me nutered now dont you.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replies "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. "I Wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to Gizmo, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. "I Wish for you to transform my old cat, Gizmo, into a beautiful and handsome young man." Magically, Gizmo suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother said "Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few moments, Gizmo and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Gizmo walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me nutered now dont you.
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Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Lawyers
Q:What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off it's head.
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off it's head.
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Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The Test
Do you have an unusual Intelligence? Do you often lose interest in supposedly "interesting" movies? It could be that you're one of the 5% of the world's population having the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join MUNSA - Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association.
Try the questionaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can't even read the question, you're already halfway there - just get someone to fill out our full colour brochure at any trailing chemist, and you'll be in for some good old fashioned non-challenging material.
1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers?
a. STRETCH
b. SKID
c. HARPO
d. TYRE
2. The number missing from the series (1,2,4,..,16) is:
a. YELLOW
b. GERANIUM
c. 8
d. TYRE
3. The letter missing from the series (a,b,c,..,e) is:
a. Z
b. B
c. D
d. TYRE
4. A man walks into a Barber Shop, with $5.00. He buys 2 lemons at 45c each, 1 Pickled Eel for $2.40, 4 packets of washing powder for $3.15 each. What will happen?
a. The Barber will wonder where all the stuffs coming from
b. He wasn't in a Barber's shop, it was a Dairy
c. The Barber will ask him if he's from MUNSA
d. Tyre
5. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite directions. The first train is travelling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is travelling 50km/hr WEST. Which train is travelling the fastest?
a. The one going EAST
b. The one going WEST
c. Neither
d. Tyre
e. Why aren't there (e.)'s in all the other questions
6. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN)
a. A car
b. Orange
c. Insufficient Data
d. Tyre
7. Mona Lisa was:
a. A dissatisfied Woman
b. A Song by Billy Idol
c. A painting
d. Tyre
8. The cold war was about:
a. Ice
b. Autumn
c. A few people at the top not liking each other
d. Tyre
9. Complete the following Sequence: (Tyre Tyre Tyre)
a. Tyre
b. Tyre
c. Tyre
d. Pardon?
Ok, time to total up all your marks. Those of you who haven't mastered addition yet, go straight on to the application; you're the sort of person we're looking for. If not, Give yourself 5 points for every D, -5 for every C, (+10 if you can't add negative numbers yet), 0 for every B and 0 for every A you ticked. How did you do?
90 to 50: OK! You're the sort of person we're looking for. Add 10 points to your score if you haven't got the hang of using anything but crayons yet.
50 to -20: Who's been doing late night studying then? Sorry, you're just a run of the mill pleb - push off.
-20 To -90: A computer geek I bet. Go join some place where they talk big numbers and floppy disks!
Is 85 between 90 and 50? Alright! Go to the bottom of the class! You're a leading light in our Association; get someone to fill the form in for you and welcome aboard!
What can MUNSA offer you?
MUNSA is a group of people just like yourself, and as such have many of the same interests. We'll meet once a month to watch American Game Shows (Except for our "advanced" class which will be watching the Australian Imitations), Television Dating Games, and listening to Public readings of Romance Novels. Also at the meetings, you'll have the opportunity to buy:
Swamp land at ridiculously inflated prices.
Genuine Japanese imports with UNTAMPERED ODOMETERS (with scratces on it).
Slice/Dice/Mince/Stack shelf-mount food mungers from C-Tel.
"Safe" Relocatable houses from Chernobyl and many many more things, as yet not exploited.
For a limited time, as part of our initiation offer, you will be given a free Brain Warning device which rings an alarm if your IQ goes above 25 - just in time for you to whack yourself in the head with an inanimate object to get those brain waves back down where they belong.
Try the questionaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can't even read the question, you're already halfway there - just get someone to fill out our full colour brochure at any trailing chemist, and you'll be in for some good old fashioned non-challenging material.
1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers?
a. STRETCH
b. SKID
c. HARPO
d. TYRE
2. The number missing from the series (1,2,4,..,16) is:
a. YELLOW
b. GERANIUM
c. 8
d. TYRE
3. The letter missing from the series (a,b,c,..,e) is:
a. Z
b. B
c. D
d. TYRE
4. A man walks into a Barber Shop, with $5.00. He buys 2 lemons at 45c each, 1 Pickled Eel for $2.40, 4 packets of washing powder for $3.15 each. What will happen?
a. The Barber will wonder where all the stuffs coming from
b. He wasn't in a Barber's shop, it was a Dairy
c. The Barber will ask him if he's from MUNSA
d. Tyre
5. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite directions. The first train is travelling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is travelling 50km/hr WEST. Which train is travelling the fastest?
a. The one going EAST
b. The one going WEST
c. Neither
d. Tyre
e. Why aren't there (e.)'s in all the other questions
6. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN)
a. A car
b. Orange
c. Insufficient Data
d. Tyre
7. Mona Lisa was:
a. A dissatisfied Woman
b. A Song by Billy Idol
c. A painting
d. Tyre
8. The cold war was about:
a. Ice
b. Autumn
c. A few people at the top not liking each other
d. Tyre
9. Complete the following Sequence: (Tyre Tyre Tyre)
a. Tyre
b. Tyre
c. Tyre
d. Pardon?
Ok, time to total up all your marks. Those of you who haven't mastered addition yet, go straight on to the application; you're the sort of person we're looking for. If not, Give yourself 5 points for every D, -5 for every C, (+10 if you can't add negative numbers yet), 0 for every B and 0 for every A you ticked. How did you do?
90 to 50: OK! You're the sort of person we're looking for. Add 10 points to your score if you haven't got the hang of using anything but crayons yet.
50 to -20: Who's been doing late night studying then? Sorry, you're just a run of the mill pleb - push off.
-20 To -90: A computer geek I bet. Go join some place where they talk big numbers and floppy disks!
Is 85 between 90 and 50? Alright! Go to the bottom of the class! You're a leading light in our Association; get someone to fill the form in for you and welcome aboard!
What can MUNSA offer you?
MUNSA is a group of people just like yourself, and as such have many of the same interests. We'll meet once a month to watch American Game Shows (Except for our "advanced" class which will be watching the Australian Imitations), Television Dating Games, and listening to Public readings of Romance Novels. Also at the meetings, you'll have the opportunity to buy:
Swamp land at ridiculously inflated prices.
Genuine Japanese imports with UNTAMPERED ODOMETERS (with scratces on it).
Slice/Dice/Mince/Stack shelf-mount food mungers from C-Tel.
"Safe" Relocatable houses from Chernobyl and many many more things, as yet not exploited.
For a limited time, as part of our initiation offer, you will be given a free Brain Warning device which rings an alarm if your IQ goes above 25 - just in time for you to whack yourself in the head with an inanimate object to get those brain waves back down where they belong.
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Saturday, April 16, 2011
Top 50
Top 50 Dumbest Things President George W. Bush said in his first term:
50. "I Promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." —at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002
49. "We Spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." — Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001
48. "You Teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' — Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001
47. "We Both use Colgate toothpaste." —after a reporter asked what he had in common with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Camp David, Md., Feb. 23, 2001
46. "Tribal Sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a — you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004
45. "I Glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003
44. "I'm The commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." —as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War
43. "I Am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." —Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001
42. "The War on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself." —Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003
41. "I Saw a poll that said the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than here in America. It's pretty darn strong. I mean, the people see a better future." — Washington, D.C., Sept. 23, 2004
40. "Oh, No, we're not going to have any casualties." — discussing the Iraq war with Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson, as quoted by Robertson
39. "I Hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004
38. "Haven't We already given money to rich people? Why are we going to do it again?" — to economic advisers discussing a second round of tax cuts, as quoted by former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neil, Washington, D.C., Nov. 26, 2002
37. "We Need an energy bill that encourages consumption." —Trenton, N.J., Sept. 23, 2002
36. "After Standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week — we will have an all-volunteer army!" —Daytona Beach, Fla., Oct. 16, 2004
35. "Do You have blacks, too?" —to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001
34. "This Foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." —as quoted by the New York Daily News , April 23, 2002
33. "I Got to know Ken Lay when he was head of the — what they call the Governor's Business Council in Texas. He was a supporter of Ann Richards in my run in 1994. And she had named him the head of the Governor's Business Council. And I decided to leave him in place, just for the sake of continuity. And that's when I first got to know Ken and worked with Ken." —attempting to distance himself from his biggest political patron, Enron Chairman Ken Lay, whom he nicknamed "Kenny Boy," Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2002
32. "It Is white." —after being asked by a child in Britain what the White House was like, July 19, 2001
31. "I Couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." —at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001
30. "For Every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." —Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001
29. "I Don't know why you're talking about Sweden. They're the neutral one. They don't have an army." — during a Dec. 2002 Oval Office meeting with Rep. Tom Lantos, as reported by the New York Times
28. "You Forgot Poland." — to Sen. John Kerry during the first presidential debate, after Kerry failed to mention Poland's contributions to the Iraq war coalition, Miami, Fla., Sept. 30, 2004
27. "I'm The master of low expectations." —aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
26. "I'm Also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things." —aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003
25. "I Know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe — I believe what I believe is right." —Rome, Italy, July 22, 2001
24. "We Need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates." —Washington, D.C. Oct. 4, 2001
23. "People Say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002
22. "I Wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it…I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet….I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't — you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." — President George W. Bush, after being asked to name the biggest mistake he had made, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2004
21. "The Really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway." —explaining why high taxes on the rich are a failed strategy, Annandale, Va., Aug. 9, 2004
20 . "My Plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we're going to run out of debt to retire." — radio address, Feb. 24, 2001
19. "You Know, when I was one time campaigning in Chicago, a reporter said, 'Would you ever have a deficit?' I said, 'I can't imagine it, but there would be one if we had a war, or a national emergency, or a recession.' Never did I dream we'd get the trifecta." — Houston, Texas, June 14, 2002 (There is no evidence Bush ever made any such statement, despite recounting the trifecta line repeatedly in 2002. A search by the Washington Post revealed that the three caveats were brought up before the 2000 campaign — by Al Gore.)
18. "See, Free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." —Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003
17. "The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa." — State of the Union Address, Jan. 28, 2003, making a claim that administration officials knew at the time to be false
16. "In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard." — repeating the phrases "hard work," "working hard," "hard choices," and other "hard"-based verbiage 22 times in his first debate with Sen. John Kerry
15. "The Most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." — Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001
14. "I Don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." — Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002
13. "But All in all, it's been a fabulous year for Laura and me." —summing up his first year in office, three months after the 9/11 attacks, Washington, D.C., Dec. 20, 2001
12. "I Try to go for longer runs, but it's tough around here at the White House on the outdoor track. It's sad that I can't run longer. It's one of the saddest things about the presidency." — interview with "Runners World," Aug. 2002
11. "Can We win? I don't think you can win it." — after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable, "Today" show interview, Aug. 30, 2004
10. "I Just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." —Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002
9 . "I Trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job." —to a group of Amish he met with privately, July 9, 2004
8. "Major Combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." —speaking underneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, May 1, 2003
7 . “We Found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories … And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them." — Washington, D.C., May 30, 2003
6. "Those Weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!" —President George W. Bush, joking about his administration's failure to find WMDs in Iraq as he narrated a comic slideshow during the Radio & TV Correspondents' Association dinner , Washington, D.C., March 24, 2004
5. "If This were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." —Washington, D.C., Dec. 19, 2000
4. "There's An old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
3. "Too Many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 (
2. "Our Enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
1. "My Answer is bring them on." — on Iraqi insurgents attacking U.S. Forces, Washington, D.C., July
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Watemelons
A local farmer just outside of town grew watermelons for a living, and he was doing quite well but was being hassled by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch late at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made a big sign and posted it right in the middle of the watermelon field. The next day the kids show up to eat and found the a sign that read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
Feeling violated, the kids made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign, then ran off. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two.
He made a big sign and posted it right in the middle of the watermelon field. The next day the kids show up to eat and found the a sign that read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
Feeling violated, the kids made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign, then ran off. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two.
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Friday, April 15, 2011
Married in heaven
One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole - killing them both instantly.
The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can - in fact - get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here... You really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?
The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.
A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can - in fact - get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"
With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here... You really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?
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Thursday, April 14, 2011
Daddy long legs
A little girl was playing in the garden next to her father when she noticed two large spiders on top of each other, apparently mating. "Daddy, What are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're Mating," her father replied.
"What Do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's A daddy long legs," her father answered.
"So, The other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked.
"No," Her father replied. "Both Of them are daddy long legs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, We're not having any of THAT in our garden
"They're Mating," her father replied.
"What Do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's A daddy long legs," her father answered.
"So, The other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked.
"No," Her father replied. "Both Of them are daddy long legs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, We're not having any of THAT in our garden
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R.I.P.
When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.
I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.
I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.
When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
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He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
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Monday, April 11, 2011
Redneck
You know your a redneck when... You have your family reunion at the Talladega 500.
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Redneck
You might be a redneck if your dog sits in the front seat and your wife sits in the back seat.
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Saturday, April 9, 2011
The Pope went on vacation
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?” “Dude, that was was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.” “Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”
One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?” “Dude, that was was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.” “Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”
Friday, April 8, 2011
Love Lost
Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn't what it used to be for John and Jane. In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convices her husband to see a marriage counciler with her.
The counselor asks first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentece she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had - even before things went south. She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.
Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately. The woman quiets down, immediately, and sits there in a daze.
The counselor then turns to the John and says, "Your wife needs this at least three times a week. For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this?" The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidentally replies, "I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays... But on Fridays, I play golf."
The counselor asks first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentece she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had - even before things went south. She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.
Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately. The woman quiets down, immediately, and sits there in a daze.
The counselor then turns to the John and says, "Your wife needs this at least three times a week. For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this?" The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidentally replies, "I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays... But on Fridays, I play golf."
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
clerk's responsibilities
An ambitious, young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee every morning. And, every morning, the judge became infuriated when the coffee cup was brought to him just 2/3 full.
With his back to the corner, the young clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. After weeks of yelling and insults, nothing the judge said to the young clerk produced a full cup of coffee - until he threatened to cut the clerk's pay by 1/3 if he continued to produce 1/3 less than the judge wanted.
The following morning, the judge was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, There's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office.
With his back to the corner, the young clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. After weeks of yelling and insults, nothing the judge said to the young clerk produced a full cup of coffee - until he threatened to cut the clerk's pay by 1/3 if he continued to produce 1/3 less than the judge wanted.
The following morning, the judge was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, There's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office.
Monday, April 4, 2011
A blonde and lawyer
A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
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Friday, April 1, 2011
Little boy at doctor's office
A four year old little boy was at the doctor's office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby." With big eyes, he replied, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next...
And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. "Then Why did you eat him?
She replied, "Im having a baby." With big eyes, he replied, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next...
And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. "Then Why did you eat him?
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