Atheist walking in the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods one day when all of a sudden a huge bear runs out to attack him. The atheist runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls to the ground. As he turns rover the bear is standing on top of him, paws stretched wide ready to maul him.

"Oh God" screams the atheist.

Suddenly time stands still, the bear freezes in the attack position and a voice out of heaven says "Yes, you called?"

"Oh" says the atheist "you really do exist! Can you make this bear go away?"

"Why should I?" says God. "You've Been denying my existence all your life"

"Fair point" says the atheist. "Ok, How about this. Can you turn the bear into a Christian instead?"

"Ok" says God and time resumes once more. The bear stops in attack, bows his head meekly and says "Dear God. Thank you for what I am about to receive..."'

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The Pope and Hillary

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage, in front of a huge crowd. 'Her Majesty' and 'His Holiness', however, have seen it all before so to make it a little more interesting the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in this crowd go wild?"

He doubts this, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such arrogance, considers what he should do. "That Was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoyce
seriously i doubts this, and tells him. This. So the Pope slaps her upside the head. Crowd goes wild.

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A duck walks into a convenient store and asks, " Do you sell any grapes here?". The manager says, " No, we don't sell grapes."

The next day the duck waddles into the store and asks, "Do you sell grapes here?". The manager says, " No, we don't."

The third day the duck meanders into the store and asks, "Do you sell grapes here?" The manager says, " Look! If I told you once, I told you three times, we dont see grapes here! The next time you come in here asking for grapes, I am going to nail your webbed feet to the wall!"

The following day the duck enters the store and asks, " Do you have any nails?" The manager says, " No. We don't sell nails here."

The duck says, " GOOD. Do you have any grapes?"

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Spiderman?

Signs its going to be a bad day

Here are some tell-tale signs it's gonna be a bad day. If any of these things happen, DO NOT leave the house. Crawl back into bed and start over again tomorrow.

- You wake up face down on the pavement.
- You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
- You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
- Your income check bounces.
- Your pet rock snaps at you.
- Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
- Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

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Blonde coyote

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

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Living will

While I was watching football this weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV, and dumped out my Pepsi.

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A riddle for the day

A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )

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The answer is: "A Last Name."