US Naval ship

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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Drunk drivers

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

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Two Horses

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

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Lions

Lions are the only truly social cat species, and usually every female in a pride, ranging from 5 to 30 individuals, is closely related.

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Two Lawers

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear! "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you. "

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The kings daugher

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood,plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured. "The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there. " The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?(Scroll down for the answer.) x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x They were M&M's !!! - (get your mind out of the gutter!!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!"

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We are sergents

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank. "But we's privates," protests Junior. "NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank. "But, we's privates," says Junior. "You blind, boy! " says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now! "So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea. "Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign. "Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign. Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?! "Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates. "Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!"

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