Shark Attact

"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible. " "If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump. "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

US Naval ship

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

Drunk drivers

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Two Horses

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Lions

Lions are the only truly social cat species, and usually every female in a pride, ranging from 5 to 30 individuals, is closely related.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Two Lawers

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear! "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you. "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

The kings daugher

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood,plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured. "The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there. " The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?(Scroll down for the answer.) x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x They were M&M's !!! - (get your mind out of the gutter!!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!"

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

We are sergents

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank. "But we's privates," protests Junior. "NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank. "But, we's privates," says Junior. "You blind, boy! " says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now! "So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea. "Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign. "Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign. Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?! "Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates. "Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!"

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Picture in my pocket

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home. "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Daddy

I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those payments! So I called my baby girl, Kareesha, to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face. " So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to hear what she had to say and what she looked like.. As my baby girl walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say? " "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy, and to watch the expression on your face."

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Hold my hand

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed."Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain."Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand? "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

The Flag

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them. " "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too. "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Women with out her man

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage " on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage. "
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage. "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Can I drive

A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car. "
Father replies, :"O. K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see. "
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card.
I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car? "
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair. "
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair. "
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went. "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Stand here

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny? " She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle! "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

A blonde with a gun

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead.
She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment.
Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.
Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it... "
The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next! "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Burglar

"Get this. " said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."Did he get anything. " his mates asked."yeah, a broken jaw and six teeth knocked out. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk. "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Red Truck

A blonde calls the fire department cause her house was on fire. They ask her how to get there and she says "Duh, big red truck?!. "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Doctor's Notes

A man comes into the ER and yells; "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab! " I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one."

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

This man needs a job

A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year. ". The young man said, "You're pulling my leg man! " The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it! "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Is my dog dead?

A Second Opinion A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too. "The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too. "The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. "$650 to tell me my dog is dead? " exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests. "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Good Deed

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in. " The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen? " "Er.. about two minutes ago. "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

A blonde guy

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?! "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Customer service

"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance... she leaned over and pushed me. "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Thinking about getting married?

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper. " "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal! " "I know all that. " "Then why did you invite a friend for supper? " "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married. "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Top 20 things not to say to a cop

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Main in Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On his last day, he hail a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan."

After awhile, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan."

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan."

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.

The fare was $300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah...so expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

This Is The FBI

Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday Buddy"'

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Doctor having sex

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to have sex with one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first..."

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren't veterinarians.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Life after death

"Do you believe in life after death? " the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir. " the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you"

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy..

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
A: Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.'>Joke:

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Celebrites on intelligrence

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
- Groucho Marx

"His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it."
- F. H. Bradley

"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
- Elizabeth Bowen talking about Aldous Huxley

"Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon."
- Abbie Hoffman

"The only genius with an IQ of 60."
- Gore Vidal talking about Andy Warhol

"A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind"
- Anonymous

"Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today"
- Anonymous

"Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing"
- Anonymous

"Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own"
- Anonymous

"He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory"
- Anonymous

"He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words"
- Anonymous

"I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works"
- Anonymous

"I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others"
- Anonymous

"He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly & Moe"

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Blondes Convention

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention ". The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer? " A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15? " After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen! " Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance! " The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance. " So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5? " After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety? " The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! " The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2? " The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four? ". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Dumb teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up " said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet."Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot? " enquired the teacher with a sneer."Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself. "

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

I.T. Department

How To Please Your I.T. Department

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

9. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in A scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help, it's for wimps.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Man on the roof

It had been raining for days and days, and a great flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you... I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

A guy get's pulled over

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Phycology class

One day theres a couple of kids in a phycology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class "stand up if u think you're stupid!" after about 5 minutes Little Johnny stood up and the teacher says "do you think you're stupid Johnny?"

To which Little Johnny replies "No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.9

Blonde pn vacation

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Cars

American made parts account for only 1% of the Chrysler Crossfire. 96% of the Ford F-150 Heritage Truck is American.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

He is alive!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Whats for dinner?

A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?"

The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Still, no answer.

Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

God vs. scientist

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Explain..." replies God. "Well," Says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting... Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. "No, No, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Policeman

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

You might be a lawer if...

You are charging someone for reading these jokes.

The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long.

You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.

Your other car is a BMW.

When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.

When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

President Bush Reacts to Osama Bin Laden's Death with Will Ferrell from Will Ferrell

Blonde with two red ears

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her "What happened?"

She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But What happened to your other ear?"

"The person called back."'

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

LadyGaga parody!

Adulterous wife

One punishment for an adulterous wife in medieval France was to make her chase a chicken through town naked.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Church bulletin bloopers

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers that were posted. Goes well with the funny church signs we posted earlier. Those were on purpose, were these?

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Maintaing

Maintaining A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With T he Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital An d Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards Th e Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To Th e Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Lone ranger & Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."

"Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo."

"Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning."

"Theologically, it tells me that the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant."

"Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo. It mean someone stole the tent.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Women with 10 kids

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What Are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're All named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I Just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But What if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, That's easy," she said. "I Just use their last name.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Three Blondes

Three blonde women were stranded on an island. While trying to dig their way out, one of them came accross a buried lamp. Suddenly a genie appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish, in return for saving him.

The first blonde woman asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The second blonde woman asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. She is instantly turned into a black haired woman. She then builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The genie turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

A biker

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

You know your a redneck pt 1

You really know your'e a redneck when...

The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.

You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.

You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Cinderella

Cinderella is now nearly 70 years old. After having a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair watching the world go by from her front porch with a cat called Gizmo for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replies "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. "I Wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!" The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to Gizmo, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. "I Wish for you to transform my old cat, Gizmo, into a beautiful and handsome young man." Magically, Gizmo suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother said "Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few moments, Gizmo and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Gizmo walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me nutered now dont you.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Lawyers

Q:What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off it's head.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

The Test

Do you have an unusual Intelligence? Do you often lose interest in supposedly "interesting" movies? It could be that you're one of the 5% of the world's population having the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join MUNSA - Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association.

Try the questionaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can't even read the question, you're already halfway there - just get someone to fill out our full colour brochure at any trailing chemist, and you'll be in for some good old fashioned non-challenging material.

1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers?
a. STRETCH
b. SKID
c. HARPO
d. TYRE

2. The number missing from the series (1,2,4,..,16) is:
a. YELLOW
b. GERANIUM
c. 8
d. TYRE

3. The letter missing from the series (a,b,c,..,e) is:
a. Z
b. B
c. D
d. TYRE

4. A man walks into a Barber Shop, with $5.00. He buys 2 lemons at 45c each, 1 Pickled Eel for $2.40, 4 packets of washing powder for $3.15 each. What will happen?
a. The Barber will wonder where all the stuffs coming from
b. He wasn't in a Barber's shop, it was a Dairy
c. The Barber will ask him if he's from MUNSA
d. Tyre

5. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite directions. The first train is travelling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is travelling 50km/hr WEST. Which train is travelling the fastest?
a. The one going EAST
b. The one going WEST
c. Neither
d. Tyre
e. Why aren't there (e.)'s in all the other questions

6. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN)
a. A car
b. Orange
c. Insufficient Data
d. Tyre

7. Mona Lisa was:
a. A dissatisfied Woman
b. A Song by Billy Idol
c. A painting
d. Tyre

8. The cold war was about:
a. Ice
b. Autumn
c. A few people at the top not liking each other
d. Tyre

9. Complete the following Sequence: (Tyre Tyre Tyre)
a. Tyre
b. Tyre
c. Tyre
d. Pardon?

Ok, time to total up all your marks. Those of you who haven't mastered addition yet, go straight on to the application; you're the sort of person we're looking for. If not, Give yourself 5 points for every D, -5 for every C, (+10 if you can't add negative numbers yet), 0 for every B and 0 for every A you ticked. How did you do?

90 to 50: OK! You're the sort of person we're looking for. Add 10 points to your score if you haven't got the hang of using anything but crayons yet.

50 to -20: Who's been doing late night studying then? Sorry, you're just a run of the mill pleb - push off.

-20 To -90: A computer geek I bet. Go join some place where they talk big numbers and floppy disks!

Is 85 between 90 and 50? Alright! Go to the bottom of the class! You're a leading light in our Association; get someone to fill the form in for you and welcome aboard!

What can MUNSA offer you?
MUNSA is a group of people just like yourself, and as such have many of the same interests. We'll meet once a month to watch American Game Shows (Except for our "advanced" class which will be watching the Australian Imitations), Television Dating Games, and listening to Public readings of Romance Novels. Also at the meetings, you'll have the opportunity to buy:

Swamp land at ridiculously inflated prices.
Genuine Japanese imports with UNTAMPERED ODOMETERS (with scratces on it).
Slice/Dice/Mince/Stack shelf-mount food mungers from C-Tel.
"Safe" Relocatable houses from Chernobyl and many many more things, as yet not exploited.
For a limited time, as part of our initiation offer, you will be given a free Brain Warning device which rings an alarm if your IQ goes above 25 - just in time for you to whack yourself in the head with an inanimate object to get those brain waves back down where they belong.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Top 50

Top 50 Dumbest Things President George W. Bush said in his first term:

50. "I Promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here." —at the President's Economic Forum in Waco, Texas, Aug. 13, 2002

49. "We Spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." — Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

48. "You Teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.'' — Townsend, Tenn., Feb. 21, 2001

47. "We Both use Colgate toothpaste." —after a reporter asked what he had in common with British Prime Minister Tony Blair, Camp David, Md., Feb. 23, 2001

46. "Tribal Sovereignty means that; it's sovereign. I mean, you're a — you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And therefore the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004

45. "I Glance at the headlines just to kind of get a flavor for what's moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are probably read the news themselves." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 21, 2003

44. "I'm The commander — see, I don't need to explain — I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president." —as quoted in Bob Woodward's Bush at War

43. "I Am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." —Washington, D.C., Oct. 3, 2001

42. "The War on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself." —Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003

41. "I Saw a poll that said the right track/wrong track in Iraq was better than here in America. It's pretty darn strong. I mean, the people see a better future." — Washington, D.C., Sept. 23, 2004

40. "Oh, No, we're not going to have any casualties." — discussing the Iraq war with Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson, as quoted by Robertson

39. "I Hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

38. "Haven't We already given money to rich people? Why are we going to do it again?" — to economic advisers discussing a second round of tax cuts, as quoted by former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neil, Washington, D.C., Nov. 26, 2002

37. "We Need an energy bill that encourages consumption." —Trenton, N.J., Sept. 23, 2002

36. "After Standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain, we will not have an all-volunteer army. And yet, this week — we will have an all-volunteer army!" —Daytona Beach, Fla., Oct. 16, 2004

35. "Do You have blacks, too?" —to Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001

34. "This Foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." —as quoted by the New York Daily News , April 23, 2002

33. "I Got to know Ken Lay when he was head of the — what they call the Governor's Business Council in Texas. He was a supporter of Ann Richards in my run in 1994. And she had named him the head of the Governor's Business Council. And I decided to leave him in place, just for the sake of continuity. And that's when I first got to know Ken and worked with Ken." —attempting to distance himself from his biggest political patron, Enron Chairman Ken Lay, whom he nicknamed "Kenny Boy," Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2002

32. "It Is white." —after being asked by a child in Britain what the White House was like, July 19, 2001

31. "I Couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." —at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C., Dec. 10, 2001

30. "For Every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." —Philadelphia, Penn., May 14, 2001

29. "I Don't know why you're talking about Sweden. They're the neutral one. They don't have an army." — during a Dec. 2002 Oval Office meeting with Rep. Tom Lantos, as reported by the New York Times

28. "You Forgot Poland." — to Sen. John Kerry during the first presidential debate, after Kerry failed to mention Poland's contributions to the Iraq war coalition, Miami, Fla., Sept. 30, 2004

27. "I'm The master of low expectations." —aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

26. "I'm Also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time thinking about myself, about why I do things." —aboard Air Force One, June 4, 2003

25. "I Know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe — I believe what I believe is right." —Rome, Italy, July 22, 2001

24. "We Need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates." —Washington, D.C. Oct. 4, 2001

23. "People Say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002

22. "I Wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it…I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet….I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't — you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." — President George W. Bush, after being asked to name the biggest mistake he had made, Washington, D.C., April 3, 2004

21. "The Really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway." —explaining why high taxes on the rich are a failed strategy, Annandale, Va., Aug. 9, 2004

20 . "My Plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we're going to run out of debt to retire." — radio address, Feb. 24, 2001

19. "You Know, when I was one time campaigning in Chicago, a reporter said, 'Would you ever have a deficit?' I said, 'I can't imagine it, but there would be one if we had a war, or a national emergency, or a recession.' Never did I dream we'd get the trifecta." — Houston, Texas, June 14, 2002 (There is no evidence Bush ever made any such statement, despite recounting the trifecta line repeatedly in 2002. A search by the Washington Post revealed that the three caveats were brought up before the 2000 campaign — by Al Gore.)

18. "See, Free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." —Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003

17. "The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa." — State of the Union Address, Jan. 28, 2003, making a claim that administration officials knew at the time to be false

16. "In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard." — repeating the phrases "hard work," "working hard," "hard choices," and other "hard"-based verbiage 22 times in his first debate with Sen. John Kerry

15. "The Most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." — Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001

14. "I Don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." — Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002

13. "But All in all, it's been a fabulous year for Laura and me." —summing up his first year in office, three months after the 9/11 attacks, Washington, D.C., Dec. 20, 2001

12. "I Try to go for longer runs, but it's tough around here at the White House on the outdoor track. It's sad that I can't run longer. It's one of the saddest things about the presidency." — interview with "Runners World," Aug. 2002

11. "Can We win? I don't think you can win it." — after being asked whether the war on terror was winnable, "Today" show interview, Aug. 30, 2004

10. "I Just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." —Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002

9 . "I Trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job." —to a group of Amish he met with privately, July 9, 2004

8. "Major Combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." —speaking underneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, May 1, 2003

7 . “We Found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories … And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them." — Washington, D.C., May 30, 2003

6. "Those Weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!" —President George W. Bush, joking about his administration's failure to find WMDs in Iraq as he narrated a comic slideshow during the Radio & TV Correspondents' Association dinner , Washington, D.C., March 24, 2004

5. "If This were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." —Washington, D.C., Dec. 19, 2000

4. "There's An old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002

3. "Too Many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 (

2. "Our Enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1. "My Answer is bring them on." — on Iraqi insurgents attacking U.S. Forces, Washington, D.C., July

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Watemelons

A local farmer just outside of town grew watermelons for a living, and he was doing quite well but was being hassled by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch late at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made a big sign and posted it right in the middle of the watermelon field. The next day the kids show up to eat and found the a sign that read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Feeling violated, the kids made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign, then ran off. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Married in heaven

One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole - killing them both instantly.

The couple soon found themselves standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, welcoming them to Heaven. The young woman asks Peter if they could get married in Heaven, since their time on Earth was cut short. He replies that he'll get back with them on that request.

A month later, St. Peter finds them and announces that they can - in fact - get arried in Heaven. To his suprise, the woman asks "Just wondering, if things don't work out will we be able to get a divorce?"

With a stern look in his eye, Peter blurts out "Look lady, it took me a month to find a preacher up here... You really think I'm gonna find a lawyer?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Daddy long legs

A little girl was playing in the garden next to her father when she noticed two large spiders on top of each other, apparently mating. "Daddy, What are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're Mating," her father replied.

"What Do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's A daddy long legs," her father answered.

"So, The other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked.

"No," Her father replied. "Both Of them are daddy long legs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, We're not having any of THAT in our garden

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

R.I.P.

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

check out www.aleddy.com

Women and footwear

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Redneck

You know your a redneck when... You have your family reunion at the Talladega 500.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Redneck

You might be a redneck if your dog sits in the front seat and your wife sits in the back seat.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

The Pope went on vacation

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up.

One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear’s grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat. As they began to leave, the Pope summoned al of them men over to him. “I give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this is not true.”

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who the heck was that guy?” “Dude, that was was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.” “Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn’t know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?”

Love Lost

Seems that, after all these years, the romance and love just wasn't what it used to be for John and Jane. In an attempt to salvage their thirty years of marriage, Jane convices her husband to see a marriage counciler with her.

The counselor asks first asks Jane what she feels the problem is, and before he can even finish his sentece she goes into a tirade listing every single problem the couple has ever had - even before things went south. She goes on and on for nearly an hour, and finishes in tears.

Finally, the counselor gets up from his couch, walks over to Jane, embraces her and begins to kiss her passionately. The woman quiets down, immediately, and sits there in a daze.

The counselor then turns to the John and says, "Your wife needs this at least three times a week. For the sake of your marriage, can you can do this?" The husband ponders this question for a moment, and confidentally replies, "I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays... But on Fridays, I play golf."

clerk's responsibilities

An ambitious, young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee every morning. And, every morning, the judge became infuriated when the coffee cup was brought to him just 2/3 full.

With his back to the corner, the young clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. After weeks of yelling and insults, nothing the judge said to the young clerk produced a full cup of coffee - until he threatened to cut the clerk's pay by 1/3 if he continued to produce 1/3 less than the judge wanted.

The following morning, the judge was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, There's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office.

A blonde and lawyer

A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.

The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Little boy at doctor's office

A four year old little boy was at the doctor's office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "Im having a baby." With big eyes, he replied, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, "Is it a good baby?" She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next...

And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. "Then Why did you eat him?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Hawaiin vacation

Two priests decided to go an Hawaiin vacation and they were determined to make this one a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father - Good Morning, Father,"
nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store nd bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father - Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Blonde and beer bottles

What does a blonde and beer bottles have in common?
A. They're both empty from the neck up.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

A fleeing Taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK, OK" said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead... "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!

a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," He answered.

"That's Right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned his attention to the lawyer... "Name Them.

Milk Bath

An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount.

When the milkman arrived, and read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point. The woman came to the door, and the milkman said, "Yes ma'am, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde replied, "Nope, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes.

airplane is in flight to Chicago

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde woman replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I Told her first class isn't going to Chicago.

Who is the best ?

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A Woman was out golfing one day

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading....

...
...
...
...
...
...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!

"Stella Awards"

The "Stella Awards" are named after the 81-year-old woman, Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and success-fully sued McDonald's in New Mexico for 2.9 million dollars. Ever since, the name "Stella Award" has been applied to any wild, outrageous, or ridiculous lawsuits - including bogus cases! Here are this year's winners...

7th Place - Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle when she tripped over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

6th Place - Nineteen-year- old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place - Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the home owners' insurance company, claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion, this is SO outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place.

4th Place - Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owners' fenced yard. The award was less than originally sought, because the jury felt that the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place - A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tail bone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place - Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies' room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place (drum roll, please) - This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand-new, 32-foot-long Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home from an OU football game - having driven onto the freeway - she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do that. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed its manuals on the basis of this law suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Clinton jogging

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President."

Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Top 10 Signs You’re An Internet Geek

In case you weren't aware of it, there are internet geeks everywhere. You probably know a few, in fact... You might even be one. Here are the top 10 signs that you might be, well, an internet geek.

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give them your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates for their phone number, instead you ask for their myspace.

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is actually a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. You often say "LOL" and "LMAO" out loud.

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. You've actually reached the end of the internet.

Man saves little girl

A man is walking through the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front the little girl's screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl and the man returns her to her terrified parents.

A reporter has seen the whole scene and says to the rescuer: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing,' said the man. 'Really, The lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lions den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.'

'I noticed a bible in your pocket. Are you a Republican,' asked the journalist.

'Yes, And I'm a Christian on my way to a bible study,' the man replies.

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed... I'm a journalist and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page. The journalist leaves.

The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on first page: "Right Wing Republican Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Old lady speeding

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But Before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, They'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

More redneck jokes

You really know your'e a redneck when...

The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they're only twenty years old.

You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.

You think doctorin' involves mamma's sewing kit and a jug.

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

People might think you are a Redneck if...

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.

Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell. 252.Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

Your masseuse uses lard.

Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.

You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

10 signs you know your broke

We've all been there, being so broke that at Christmas all you could exchange were glances. Stuff like that you remember a lifetime. Just in case you don't know if you're broke, here are some ways to tell...

- At KFC you lick other people's fingers.
- If you wanted to rub two nickels together you'd have to borrow one.
- At communion you go back for seconds.
- You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
- You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
- Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
- If you stopped on a dime, you'd probably owe it to someone.
- McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
- Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
-You Give blood everyday... Just for the orange juice and cookie.'>Joke :)

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Kid in. ...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Church Sign

Three women

Three women are about to be executed for crimes they committed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..." Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..." The redhead then screams, "Tornado!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did and knew exactly what she needed to do. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready... Aim..."

The blonde shouts, "Fire!"'

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

A cannibal walking in the jungle

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

- Broiled Missionary: $10.00
- Fried Explorer: $15.00
- G rilled Republican: $100.00
- Baked Democrat: $250.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?" The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap it takes all morning.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

granny shooting machine gun

A blonde goes to work

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why Don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If You need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?"

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I Just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7